Funny Business

Driving home from camp. Listening to Lite 105 or B101 or some station that plays older music, not just the current hits that the kids are used to. After a while, Andrew declares, "Mom, most of these songs are kinda stupid. How can there be clouds in someone's eyes and how can she hear his body talk?"

Andrew is busy shooting hoops. Mom: "Andrew, please help me carry the bags into the house." Andrew: "Mom, I'm just trying to get the most out of my childhood!"

Andrew: "Can I have a plain bagel with cream cheese?"
Mom: "You should add more fruit to your diet!"
Andrew, groaning: "Fine, give me a raising bagel then."

Funny business

Mom pulls up Sasha's pants. Sasha pulls them back down, gives Mom a hard look, and says, pulling the pants all the way up, "Mom, THIS . . . is not my style!"

Mom says to Andrew: "Andrew, I never know what to expect from you! You're like a box of chocolates." Andrew replies, "No, Mom, I'm like a bag of crazy beans!"

Mom is telling kids about her childhood. She asks, "Do you think I'm old?" Andrew, attempting to make Mom feel young, "No, Mom. If I saw you on the street, I'd think you were just born."

Funny business

Andrew: You know why I would never want to be a ghost? You wouldn't be able to sleep because you would see through your eyelids. Also, you can't eat because the food would just go through you and you would starve to death. You wouldn't be able to pick anything up or touch anyone. So, I'm not afraid of ghosts.

Andrew: Mom, you know what would make me nervous when I grow up? Being a class president.
Mom: Why?
Andrew: Well, I would have to give a lot of speeches, and that makes me nervous.

Funny business

Mom bought Sasha a shirt that says "Sweet and Sassy". Sasha, smelling fruit snacks, "Mmmm... Smells sweet and sassy!"

Sasha, to Andrew: "Andrew, stop acting so stupendous!"

Funny business

Sasha, after taking a sip of water: "Am I, like, hydrated?"

Andrew, to Sasha: "Shut up!!!"
Mom: "Could you say that in a nicer way?
Andrew: "Please shut your trap!"

Sasha is looking at a book illustration depicting a beach scene. A mother is holding a baby's hand. The baby is naked. Sasha, pointing at the baby's genitals: "So inappropriate!"

Funny Business

Andrew, eating pistachios: These nuts make my nuts go nuts!

Andrew: Do you know how dorky people say, "You are driving me crazy?"
Sasha: How?
Andrew: You're driving me bananas!

Andrew buys a strange toy in an eclectic store. He unwraps it, reads the toy's name on the box, "Air guitar". The box contains a cardboard encased in plastic in shape of a guitar. Andrew takes off the plastic, "Hey! There's nothing here!". Mom, "Welcome to your first case of buyer's remorse!"

Funny Business

Andrew: Do you want to play the "Chicken or not?" game?
Mom: How do you play it? I have never heard of it.
Andrew: I just made it up. You ask each other silly questions and if you get more than nine answers wrong out of thirty, you are a chicken. If you don't -- you're not.

Andrew is describing the beauty of all seasons. He mentions snowboarding for winter, water guns for summer, leaves changing for fall. When it comes to spring, he is stumped. All of a sudden: "Oh, I know! Galloping through the meadows!"

Funny Business

The day after Andrew and Sasha watched King Kong, they found a bug on the playground. Standing above it and making wild gestures to scare it, Andrew remarks: "It's like the bug is a human and we are giant scary monkeys!"

Funny Business

Andrew's belly hurts. Mom is rubbing it.
Andrew: Do you know why you should never have a robot for a mom?
Mom: Why?
Andrew: Well, robot moms usually have spiky hands. And, sometimes, they even have lasers in their hands. So, if they rub your belly, it would hurt. A lot.

Funny Business

Mom is telling the kids about the naturalization process. At the part about swearing in during the ceremony, Sasha's eyes pop out and she exclaims: "Oh. My. God! I can't believe it! Even the kids are swearing?"

Mom is cooking.
Sasha: Mom, is broccoli good for you?
Mom: Yes, it is.
Sasha: Does it have any sugar?
Mom: It has only good stuff in it.
Sasha: Cool, then if I have a piece now, that means I don't have to brush my teeth tonight, right?
Andrew: No, you still have to brush. It might get stuck in your teeth.
Sasha: Oh. I don't want it then.

Playing Brain Quest.
Mom: Which large country is directly south of the United States?
Andrew: South America.

Mom: What country did bagpipe music come from?
Sasha: England.
Mom: Close but no cigar.
Andrew: New England?

Funny business

Sasha, doing her homework. She wrote the letter p facing the wrong way.
Mom: "Look what you've done here!"
Sasha, erasing the letter: "Oops. Sasha made a pee-pee. Hee-hee!"


On the playground. Andrew is being silly.
Mom: Andrew, because you just threw a pine cone in my face, you are punished -- no dessert tonight. It's really too bad because I bought something special today.
Andrew: Well, how was I supposed to know you bought something special?! It's not fair!

Funny Business

Sasha, about her math homework: "It's as easy as saying hi to a baby!"

Sasha, looking at a commercial of some French macaroons: "Oh, check out those colorful Crabby Patties!"

Andrew, answering whether Sasha is his best friend: "How can she be my best friend when she ripped my machine drawing and broke my best light saber?!"

Not so funny business

Sasha, worried: Mom, can you die from eating air freshener?
Mom: perplexed silence
Sasha: Andrew sprayed some in my mouth.
Mom: Not if it was just a bit.
Sasha: What if I ate the whole can?
Mom: Was it that good?

Sasha: Mom, I want to be with you forever. I don't want you to die!
Mom: Don't worry about it now.
Sasha: Mom, I don't want to die either.
Mom: You won't. By the time you grow up, they'll invent special pills that make you immortal.
Sasha: How do you know?
Mom: Scientists are working on them now.
Sasha, lights up, relieved: "Thank you, scientists!"

Funny Business

Andrew, talking to grandma on the phone: I don't do responsible. I do crazy and fun.
Grandma: Then you will not get a puppy.
Andrew: No, I'm just kidding. I am very responsible. When I build with LEGOS, my creations are usually very fragile, and I am careful with them.

Sasha, watching Cool Hand Luke with mom. A scene depicts prisoners being ordered to bed.
Sasha: But they haven't brushed their teeth yet!

Funny Business

Sasha: Mom, can I have a Kit-Kat?
Mom: No
Sasha: Well, what can I have that's not healthy?

Mom: Tomorrow is the beginning of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year.
Andrew: Are all Jews Russian?

Mom: Sasha, do you like your new teacher?
Sasha: Yes! She hasn't yelled at me. ... Yet.