Funny Business

Andrew, eating pistachios: These nuts make my nuts go nuts!

Andrew: Do you know how dorky people say, "You are driving me crazy?"
Sasha: How?
Andrew: You're driving me bananas!

Andrew buys a strange toy in an eclectic store. He unwraps it, reads the toy's name on the box, "Air guitar". The box contains a cardboard encased in plastic in shape of a guitar. Andrew takes off the plastic, "Hey! There's nothing here!". Mom, "Welcome to your first case of buyer's remorse!"

Funny Business

Andrew: Do you want to play the "Chicken or not?" game?
Mom: How do you play it? I have never heard of it.
Andrew: I just made it up. You ask each other silly questions and if you get more than nine answers wrong out of thirty, you are a chicken. If you don't -- you're not.

Andrew is describing the beauty of all seasons. He mentions snowboarding for winter, water guns for summer, leaves changing for fall. When it comes to spring, he is stumped. All of a sudden: "Oh, I know! Galloping through the meadows!"

Funny Business

The day after Andrew and Sasha watched King Kong, they found a bug on the playground. Standing above it and making wild gestures to scare it, Andrew remarks: "It's like the bug is a human and we are giant scary monkeys!"

Funny Business

Andrew's belly hurts. Mom is rubbing it.
Andrew: Do you know why you should never have a robot for a mom?
Mom: Why?
Andrew: Well, robot moms usually have spiky hands. And, sometimes, they even have lasers in their hands. So, if they rub your belly, it would hurt. A lot.

Funny Business

Mom is telling the kids about the naturalization process. At the part about swearing in during the ceremony, Sasha's eyes pop out and she exclaims: "Oh. My. God! I can't believe it! Even the kids are swearing?"

Mom is cooking.
Sasha: Mom, is broccoli good for you?
Mom: Yes, it is.
Sasha: Does it have any sugar?
Mom: It has only good stuff in it.
Sasha: Cool, then if I have a piece now, that means I don't have to brush my teeth tonight, right?
Andrew: No, you still have to brush. It might get stuck in your teeth.
Sasha: Oh. I don't want it then.

Playing Brain Quest.
Mom: Which large country is directly south of the United States?
Andrew: South America.

Mom: What country did bagpipe music come from?
Sasha: England.
Mom: Close but no cigar.
Andrew: New England?

Funny business

Sasha, doing her homework. She wrote the letter p facing the wrong way.
Mom: "Look what you've done here!"
Sasha, erasing the letter: "Oops. Sasha made a pee-pee. Hee-hee!"


On the playground. Andrew is being silly.
Mom: Andrew, because you just threw a pine cone in my face, you are punished -- no dessert tonight. It's really too bad because I bought something special today.
Andrew: Well, how was I supposed to know you bought something special?! It's not fair!

Funny Business

Sasha, about her math homework: "It's as easy as saying hi to a baby!"

Sasha, looking at a commercial of some French macaroons: "Oh, check out those colorful Crabby Patties!"

Andrew, answering whether Sasha is his best friend: "How can she be my best friend when she ripped my machine drawing and broke my best light saber?!"

Not so funny business

Sasha, worried: Mom, can you die from eating air freshener?
Mom: perplexed silence
Sasha: Andrew sprayed some in my mouth.
Mom: Not if it was just a bit.
Sasha: What if I ate the whole can?
Mom: Was it that good?

Sasha: Mom, I want to be with you forever. I don't want you to die!
Mom: Don't worry about it now.
Sasha: Mom, I don't want to die either.
Mom: You won't. By the time you grow up, they'll invent special pills that make you immortal.
Sasha: How do you know?
Mom: Scientists are working on them now.
Sasha, lights up, relieved: "Thank you, scientists!"

Funny Business

Andrew, talking to grandma on the phone: I don't do responsible. I do crazy and fun.
Grandma: Then you will not get a puppy.
Andrew: No, I'm just kidding. I am very responsible. When I build with LEGOS, my creations are usually very fragile, and I am careful with them.

Sasha, watching Cool Hand Luke with mom. A scene depicts prisoners being ordered to bed.
Sasha: But they haven't brushed their teeth yet!

Funny Business

Sasha: Mom, can I have a Kit-Kat?
Mom: No
Sasha: Well, what can I have that's not healthy?

Mom: Tomorrow is the beginning of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year.
Andrew: Are all Jews Russian?

Mom: Sasha, do you like your new teacher?
Sasha: Yes! She hasn't yelled at me. ... Yet.

Funny Business

Mom: Why are you running around me?
Andrew: We are not. We are dancing around you because you are like a Christmas tree with many presents under it, and we love you.

Mom: Tomorrow is the last day of camp.
Sasha, sighs: I'm going to miss him!
Mom, ears perked up: Who are you going to miss, Sasha?
Andrew: Her new boyfriend. I saw them sitting on her towel today.
Mom: Oh, really? What's his name?
Sasha: Hmmm. I'm not sure...

Funny Business

Sasha: Mom, can we please, please have ice cream yesterday?
Mom: Yesterday? Sure.
Sasha: Yes!

Mom: Good night, handsome boy.
Andrew: It's true, I'm going to be a looker.
Mom: How do you know?
Andrew: Daddy told me.

Funny Business

Sasha is picking out chocolate from a box.
Mom: Would you like to try a hazelnut one?
Sasha: Nah, just give me the hazel without the nut, please.

Funny Business

 Private Parts
Andrew and Sasha are changing into their pajamas.
Andrew: Sasha, I can see your weenie!
Sasha: It's not called a weenie for girls. It's a china!

How do I look? ... I must say I'm amazed

Andrew and mom are checking themselves out in a mirror.
Mom: Man, you have a pretty mother!
Andrew: The people on TV are prettier than you.
Mom, in mock disbelief: Now you've hurt my feelings!
Sasha, trying to make mom feel better: Don't worry, mom, some people are even uglier!

Funny Business

Mommy: Can I kiss your nose?
Sasha: Only if I can have another Popsicle!

Andrew: Mom, how do penguins poop?
Mom: Out of their butts.
Andrew: Man, I wish I could see that!

Andrew: I made up a joke. What do you call a dorky vampire?
Mom: What?
Andrew: Count Dorkula!

Funny business

Andrew: Why do babies keep playing with baby toys? Don't they know these toys are lame?

Mommy: I'm going out with Patrycja.
Sasha:  Euuu! That means you are dating!

Sasha: Mommy, this butterfly drawing is for you.
Mommy: Great, can I keep it in my drawer?
Sasha: Yes, you can keep it forever. Even when you die, we will put this drawing into your grave with you.
Mommy: Please make Patrycja a card -- it's her birthday.
Sasha: Oh, we can just give her the butterfly drawing then!

Funny Business

Andrew: "Mom, you always pick out weird clothes for me!"
Mom: "What do you mean?"
Andrew: "Well, like you're picking out clothes for someone who wipes his mouth with a napkin after every bite. I don't want to be a gentleman -- I want to be a bad boy! Bullies are cool -- that's why they wear sunglasses. I'm going to start acting like a bad boy now."
Mom: "How do they act?"
Andrew: "Break stuff, litter... Can I start now?"
Mom: "Noooooooooooo!"

Andrew, looking at mom's childhood photo album: "Wow! They had pianos back then?!"

Mom, to Sasha: "Who do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sasha: "I want to be on TV -- maybe a model?"
Mom, to Andrew: "What about you?"
Andrew: "I want to be an engineer and create a way for humans to have superpowers. After I do that, I want to become a Wolverine. I'm his biggest fan."

Playing Brain Quest

Mom: What is a building for cows or horses?
Andrew: Farm?
Mom: No, but it kind of rhymes with farm!
Andrew: Zoo?

Mom: What's the force that keeps you from floating in the air?
Sasha: Parachute!

Mom: Spell the word that stands for more than one woman.
Andrew: L-A-D-I-E-S.

Does this mean that there is no god either?

Andrew: When I was little, I asked Daddy how Santa gets down the chimney 'cause he's so fat, and daddy said that he has a special magic potion to make him skinny. I knew it was not true because Santa is not a scientist to create the potion. He's a fake.
Sasha: Maybe one of the elves is a scientist?
Andrew: I don't know, but Santa is not real. I don't believe in him -- I've never even seen him -- all of the gifts come from our parents!
Sasha: Well, maybe Santa was just sick, so he couldn't come.
Andrew: He was NOT sick. He does NOT exist!