Funny Business

Sasha is picking out chocolate from a box.
Mom: Would you like to try a hazelnut one?
Sasha: Nah, just give me the hazel without the nut, please.

Funny Business

 Private Parts
Andrew and Sasha are changing into their pajamas.
Andrew: Sasha, I can see your weenie!
Sasha: It's not called a weenie for girls. It's a china!

How do I look? ... I must say I'm amazed

Andrew and mom are checking themselves out in a mirror.
Mom: Man, you have a pretty mother!
Andrew: The people on TV are prettier than you.
Mom, in mock disbelief: Now you've hurt my feelings!
Sasha, trying to make mom feel better: Don't worry, mom, some people are even uglier!

Funny Business

Mommy: Can I kiss your nose?
Sasha: Only if I can have another Popsicle!

Andrew: Mom, how do penguins poop?
Mom: Out of their butts.
Andrew: Man, I wish I could see that!

Andrew: I made up a joke. What do you call a dorky vampire?
Mom: What?
Andrew: Count Dorkula!

Funny business

Andrew: Why do babies keep playing with baby toys? Don't they know these toys are lame?

Mommy: I'm going out with Patrycja.
Sasha:  Euuu! That means you are dating!

Sasha: Mommy, this butterfly drawing is for you.
Mommy: Great, can I keep it in my drawer?
Sasha: Yes, you can keep it forever. Even when you die, we will put this drawing into your grave with you.
Mommy: Please make Patrycja a card -- it's her birthday.
Sasha: Oh, we can just give her the butterfly drawing then!

Funny Business

Andrew: "Mom, you always pick out weird clothes for me!"
Mom: "What do you mean?"
Andrew: "Well, like you're picking out clothes for someone who wipes his mouth with a napkin after every bite. I don't want to be a gentleman -- I want to be a bad boy! Bullies are cool -- that's why they wear sunglasses. I'm going to start acting like a bad boy now."
Mom: "How do they act?"
Andrew: "Break stuff, litter... Can I start now?"
Mom: "Noooooooooooo!"

Andrew, looking at mom's childhood photo album: "Wow! They had pianos back then?!"

Mom, to Sasha: "Who do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sasha: "I want to be on TV -- maybe a model?"
Mom, to Andrew: "What about you?"
Andrew: "I want to be an engineer and create a way for humans to have superpowers. After I do that, I want to become a Wolverine. I'm his biggest fan."

Playing Brain Quest

Mom: What is a building for cows or horses?
Andrew: Farm?
Mom: No, but it kind of rhymes with farm!
Andrew: Zoo?

Mom: What's the force that keeps you from floating in the air?
Sasha: Parachute!

Mom: Spell the word that stands for more than one woman.
Andrew: L-A-D-I-E-S.

Does this mean that there is no god either?

Andrew: When I was little, I asked Daddy how Santa gets down the chimney 'cause he's so fat, and daddy said that he has a special magic potion to make him skinny. I knew it was not true because Santa is not a scientist to create the potion. He's a fake.
Sasha: Maybe one of the elves is a scientist?
Andrew: I don't know, but Santa is not real. I don't believe in him -- I've never even seen him -- all of the gifts come from our parents!
Sasha: Well, maybe Santa was just sick, so he couldn't come.
Andrew: He was NOT sick. He does NOT exist!

Funny Business

Andrew has to sign a pledge for his teacher. The pledge states that he promises to limit TV watching and computer use. A loud sigh: "Thank god it does not say anything about Nintendo DSI!"

Andrew is happy. He jumps around and farts. Everyone laughs. Andrew, earnestly: "I always fart when I'm excited about something!" More laughter from everyone. Andrew: "It's true!" More farting. More laughter.

For grandparents -- what Andrew and Sasha want for the holidays

Andrew:

• wolverine video game
• DSI Black
• GI Joe
• Nerf gun
• Sword
• Water gun
• Regular gun
• Karate lessons

Sasha:

• DSI Pink
• Barbie video game
• Ballet lessons

Funny Business

Andrew: Moooooooooom! Where is my shoe?
Mom: Check under the couch.
Andrew, finding the shoe: "Great place to put it, mom!" Then, to Sasha: "I do that thing that mom does when I'm being bad and mom tells me I'm being good."

Andrew: Mom, my throat hurts.
Mom: How, like you're about to throw up or like you're getting a cold?
Andrew: Like a germ just exploded ten thousand atomic bombs in my throat.

Sasha: Mom, can I listen to your hairphones, please?

Andrew: I'm writing a song.
Mom: Can we hear it?
Andrew: So far, I have, "Hey, you! Yo, man, yo, yo, yo!"

Funny Business -- The Jesus Christ edition

-Sasha, why are you so delicious?
-Because I'm cute.

- Mom, was god ever alive?
- Andrew, you must be thinking about Jesus Christ.
- I thought Jesus Christ was a bad word. That's what everyone says when they're mad...

Mommie explaining a word, "It's the same thing -- the two words are synonyms".
Andrew: "Mmmm... I love cinnamon! It smells so good!"

Funny Business

Andrew, please go do your homework!
But I feel so hyper -- I don't want to just waste my energy! Can't I play for a little while?

Sasha, when you grow up, you and I are going to do all kinds of girly things together -- like clothes shopping and getting manicures...
Mommie, does this mean we are going to be sisters?!

Sasha, please put on your socks! Why don't you have them on?
Oh, daddy forgot to give them to me. He's such a несчастье!

At least she had that going for her...

- Andrew, is your teacher cool?
- No, but she has a cool tatoo on her back.
- How do you know that?
- Oh, she was leaning over one day and I saw it.

Funny Business, Sasha edition

Sasha, eating a tuna sandwich: "This fish tastes like it's dead!"

Mommie: "Andrewsha, ty kushaesh?" (Andrew, are you eating?)
Sasha: "No, but I'm kusha-ing!"

Mommie has just told the kids that, when she was little, she wasn't able to start first grade with the rest of her classmates because she had chicken pox.
Sasha: "Mommie, did your chicken pockets hurt?"